“I am 36 and I don’t have any friends” was the teaser title on the front page of the Times last week. “How do we tackle an epidemic of loneliness and foster a sense of belonging?” asked the Independent in May. Britain has a Minister for loneliness, it isn’t alone in this, and has spent over £80 million trying to reduce it. The US Surgeon General released an official advisory identifying loneliness as an urgent public health threat with profound consequences for the world.
But if you’ve read your Bible none of that will surprise you. In one sense it’s nothing new. In Genesis 2 amidst all the “and it was good’s” of creation, Genesis 2 zooms in on the one “It is not good…”(18) God looks and sees that “it is not good for the man to be alone.” Made in the Triune God’s image Adam is made for relationship, for society not solitude.
Adam isn’t made to be independent, to go it alone. And yet tragically we, warped by sin, see our need for friendship as a weakness, something to be overcome, an error we need to fix. But Adam’s need for others was pre-fall. It was part of the ‘good’ to need others it wasn’t a flaw – the flaw was that there was no friend, no helper suitable for him. God parades the animals in front of Adam for him to name and to realise that even man’s best friend wasn’t good enough.
Our need for friendship is part of the goodness and joy of being made in the image of God. We can’t truly enjoy life in God’s world, even in Edenic perfection, without friends. Just let that resonate in your soul, let that challenge you, let it dispel the lies we’re tempted to believe. We’re made for friendship. With God yes, absolutely. But also with others.
And so God creates Eve, and now the world is very good. Not because at last a single man is married and marriage is the answer. Marriage is a good gift but it alone isn’t the solution to aloneness. Eve is God’s gift to Adam in two ways; one she is a companion for him, a helper suitable, and marriage is a good gift of God. But secondly together they can now multiply and create a world of friendship.
Marriage is not designed to be the answer to our longing for friendship, your spouse should be your friend, yes absolutely, but they ought not to be your only friend. Marriage is God’s gift to multiply friendship.
But the first casualty of the fall, of sin entering the world is friendship. Friendship with God becomes fear of God and hiding from God and exile from God. And friendship with one another becomes fractured with fear and vulnerability and blame. We have the longing for friendship we had in the garden but now it comes with a fear that tells us to hide, not reveal, not commit and so on.
We’ve already mentioned the way that shows itself in our desire for independence, to not risk being hurt, the way we confuse strength with solitude. But secondly sin means we confuse loves. What is the greatest love?
Our society says it is sexual love expressed in the act itself. In fact who you’re attracted to defines your identity. And it‘s always an ever present trip wire lurking in the background – you can’t be friends with someone of the opposite gender, or increasingly the same gender, because sex always gets in the way.
Tragically the church has imported that worldly way of thinking. That shows in marriage being prized more than friendship. In people trying to matchmake those who are single, or in throw away comments about meeting someone, or assumed expectations about life. But whilst there is no marriage in the new creation and everyone is single friendship endures into eternity. It’s shown in the confused way we think about friendship between men and women and increasingly with people of the same gender that fears them or objectifies them and keeps a distance from them.
But what does Jesus say the greatest love is in John 15? His love is the greatest love, and it’s the same love his disciples are to have for one another. It’s the word ‘agape’ and it describes God’s active love for his Son and his people, and his peoples active love for God and one another. Agape is the greatest love, and the context in which we express that love is in friendship with one another. Laying down our lives in order to bring others closer to God in Jesus.
We all install internet security on our computers to stop virus getting a hold and corrupting our operating system. As you think about friendship this morning how has the world’s way of thinking about friendship, marriage, and the greatest love, corrupted your thinking and therefore the operating system you live out of?
What is there we need to repent of? Maybe it’s putting too much weight on marriage? Maybe it’s not loving others like this? Maybe it’s in not pursuing friendships because we want to be strong independent individuals? Maybe it’s not loving and pursuing friendship with those different from us? Maybe it’s failing to bring others closer to God in Jesus in our friendships?
All of us fail. All of us will be impacted by the failure of others, and the pain of befriending in a broken world. All of us will have something to repent of and resolve to change as well as wounds we need to pour out to God. But here’s the great news, we can because “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” And Jesus has done that for us, to forgive us our failures, but not to leave us wallowing in them so that as we know and experience and live in his love, we’re filled with that active and are transformed by the Spirit to love others like we’ve been loved.